let’s start at the beginning. What is interpersonal manipulation? There are of course many definitions and no one will satisfy everybody. So I propose mine. It is a set of tools, processes, techniques, methods that increase the probability of getting our neighbours, friends, colleagues, families… to do something that we want them to do (in our place or not). This can be :

• Making a purchase
• Making a donation
• Making a decision
• Acting
• Spending time
• Expressing opinions, feelings
• …

Why do some people manipulate their fellow human beings? A good example of a question that calls for not one but many possible answers. Whether it is the impression that other reactions are not allowed or accessible, whether it is for lack of imagination, laziness… or for play, it makes no difference in the end. And by reactions, let’s understand aggressiveness, which is quickly labelled, or passivity, which generates a feeling and/or perception of weakness, fall back on authority which does not always exist, as well as assertiveness which is unfortunately not what we have best developed. We might be tempted to believe that, in the absence of more « available » reactions, some people turn to manipulation, as described here, that is, the ability to influence someone to decide and/or act, without their consent and often unawares.

In fact, there is little difference between the terms « influence » and « manipulation », other than a distinct connotation and an opposite starting point. In order for it to become manipulation, again, according to my definition, we need to zoom in on the intention behind the process. Intention benevolent to the other, benevolent to oneself regardless of what happens to the other, or malicious to the other.

Let’s start with the last category. For this one, the original intention does not play any role, because it seems unrealistic to me to think that anyone could have a bad intention towards oneself. Yet self-manipulation is generated by ourselves. It is our brain in its functioning that traps us, without will but in a very real way. Some descriptions refer to system 1 of thinking (see Daniel Kahneman’s very eloquent book on this subject), others, like Jacques Fradin, speak of automatic mental mode (see his very interesting book on the intelligence of stress). In all cases, these are the shortcuts that our mind is equipped with, the fruit of evolution, which allow us to carry out a large number of gestures and actions in a very efficient way without it costing us energy.

These shortcuts, or heuristics, are very useful, especially in situations where repetitive acts, gestures, operations are expected. They serve four distinct purposes:

• Making sense
• Helping to memorize
• Going faster
• Limiting information

In short, simple elements, reiterated many times and firmly anchored in our long-term procedural and semantic memories. When the same shortcuts are used in non-routine situations, they « turn into » cognitive biases and trap us.

Let’s now move on to the category of benevolent manipulations. If the basic intention is to contribute to improving the other’s situation, let’s add that since everything is a matter of perception, the interlocutor may not identify benevolence. An example of this would be a vegetable puree for a baby to eat. We use all sorts of tricks to get him/her to open his mouth and slip a spoonful of vitamins, even though we could receive its contents on our clothes a few seconds later. The list of these situations is long.

The category of malicious manipulation must be dealt with by the medical profession and psychiatry. Victims are humiliated, belittled, mentally tortured until they break down. Among the methods used, this time, knowingly, are:

• Isolation
• Disqualification
• Brainwashing
• The invasion of intimate space
• Denial
• …

Mobbing is a sad example of malicious manipulation.

There is a last category, selfish situations, i.e. those where the target serves a single objective: to improve the situation of the person using the techniques, without any particular intention towards the « victim ». In other words, whether it is beneficial or not to the other person, it makes no difference.

Many techniques exist and are used every day:

• Flattery
• Lies
• The foot-in-the-door technique
• The door-in-the-face technique
• The foot-in-the-mouth technique
• The foot-in-memory technique
• Labelling others
• The illusion of freedom
• The illusion of control
• Touching people
• Bait and switch
• Making others feel guilty
• Victimization
• Fear and relief
• …

Let’s look at the last item on that list. Fear and relief. What’s that about? As in other cases, it is a several-steps process:

• Causing fear
• Bringing relief
• Making a request

The objective remains the same: to make someone accept something that he/she had not planned to do, without them realising it.

To put it simply, the technique, which is widely used, is based on the effect of relief on the target. This causes barriers to fall and vigilance to decrease, when he/she finds out that the fear was unfounded.

In order to illustrate these principles, I’d like to relate two personal experiences.

The first one takes place in Brussels. I am in my car and I am driving down a sloping street, the Avenue des Statuaires in Uccle, which is quite long and straight. I see what is happening, far ahead of me.

Suddenly, about a hundred metres away, a person crosses. She seems to stop halfway down the street. I pay only distracted attention.

As I get closer, I see that the person is a man and he has stopped, right in the middle of the road. Logically, he will move since he is looking in my direction and he certainly understands that I have not changed my speed.

He doesn’t. He stands still and seems to stare at me.

Whereas until now, I had not slowed down, being sure that he would continue to cross the street, I am obliged to brake quite hard, and stop a few meters away from him, not without feeling a strong surge of emotions.

He walks towards my door and signals me to roll down the window, which I do, like an automaton. Then a short surrealistic dialogue begins:

-Did you want to kill me?

-Uh… no.

-Yes, you wanted to kill me, you weren’t braking!

-No, I wasn’t…

-In fact, I even thought you were speeding up!

-But that’s not true…

And here I am, stammering and baffled. He goes on:

-Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I’m selling support cards for children, will you buy me one?

And I dip my hand in my pocket, looking for a coin. I gave him 2 euros and didn’t take a card. It was only later, much later, that I realised that I had succumbed to « Fear and Relief ».

The second one took place at home. Sitting in front of the computer, I made an additional withholding tax payment at the beginning of December 2019. A large sum. The payment data had been stored in HomeBank for years. It only took a few minutes. I signed and sent. Done. With this additional sum, the level of taxes payed for the year should be fine.

On December 19, I received a letter from the tax authorities stating that if I still wanted to make an additional tax payment (before the 20th – the next day), I would still benefit from an advantage. I smiled because everything had been in order since the beginning of the month. But my eyes caught a detail that quickly became an essential element. The beneficiary account number had changed and the communication to be used was different too. What would become of this large amount paid more than two weeks ago?

I contacted the bank and got no one on the phone. I fell back on e-mail and sent a message marked of utmost importance, asking how to proceed. At the same time, I contacted the tax authorities and also sent an e-mail. The probability of either of them answering me quickly was very low, and since the deadline was the 20th, I realised the disaster. Not only would I not have paid enough taxes, but I would undoubtedly have to move heaven and earth to recover the amount paid into the wrong account and it would take days, weeks or months. Fear had comfortably settled in.

The day after, at mid-morning, I received a reply from an employee of the Department of Finance who told me that any money paid into the previous account was automatically transferred to the new account. Relief, long hours after the mail was read.

On the same day, phone call. An acquaintance tells me that I am his last resort and asks me to help him move. I say yes, without hesitation or thought. I spent a whole day there!

In this case, the request was not orchestrated. It benefited from the same relaxation of my vigilance system.

Finally, probably the most classic example of « fear and relief » is the competitive tactic of « good cop/bad cop ». The good cop is there to calm the game and smoothly sell what the « bad cop » has tried to extort. This is common in a variety of contexts:

• In negotiations
• During a corrective feedback on behaviour where the N+1 is accompanied by the HR (or the N+2)
• When parents of a scolded child play both roles…
• …

Like other techniques, this one is very efficient and even if it does not always give the expected result, it is better to spot it and not fall into the trap. In conclusion, we are and remain sitting ducks for those who want to manipulate us. It’s up to us to react.