There is a vocabulary described as magical or tragic in communication. It is a set of words and expressions, which are generally perceived as positively or negatively connoted. Their use sends messages, conscious or unconscious, to our interlocutors’s brain. When these signals accumulate, it is the entire interaction that is perceived as tinged, and depending on its colour, it may or may not contribute to establishing a climate of cooperation.
However, whether during a recruitment conversation, during an evaluation interview, during a negotiation, when we are about to make a criticism, as well as in many other contexts, we need the other to make our process successful. If our wish is to exert a benevolent influence, which is neither always nor always will be the case, the voluntary participation of our interlocutor will be essential. To encourage the latter to get involved, we will benefit from increasing our level of vigilance and using terms that encourage listening and the desire to share.
Whenever we talk about « problem », « difficulty », « cost », when we say « no », « maybe », « it’s not my job », « why », « I »… we take the risk of sending more or less tragic messages to others. Any accumulation, repetition, combination is an aggravating factor.
Words considered tragic in a conversation include « but » and its synonyms, however, notwithstanding, as well as formulations such as now, or, having said that, which are generally perceived as less « steep » and more « rounded » and which have the same meaning and effect.
You are in a meeting with your colleagues and your superior. Someone is talking to you in these terms: it is a wonderful idea you are expressing, probably one of the best I have heard recently, but it will not work for us! What message do you remember? If you react like most others, you will remember the second part of the sentence.
You present a project to an evaluation committee and receive the following feedback: what a beautiful study conducted by a masterful hand, but it will never pass. What message do you retain? If you react like most others, you will remember the second part of the sentence.
During an interview at the end of the year, when evaluating an employee, you tell him/her: I am very satisfied with your results and your progress, but I know that you can do better! What message does the person retain? More than likely, the one in the second part of the sentence.
During a negotiation, your interlocutor congratulates you on your offer: what a great proposal you are presenting to us, Sir, but it has no chance to pass! What message do you remember? More than likely, the one in the second part of the sentence.
The more or less disastrous effect of this formulation will be equivalent to: « you could have, you should have, what a shame that…
What do you think of the quality of communication with a person who would protect himself by systematically repeating: it is true but, yes, but, you are right but, I hear what you say but… How long would it take before you feel irritated or even angry? How would you describe this interaction?
In everyday’s life, how often do we use these words? If they are part of our daily vocabulary, why should we delete them? Faced with these legitimate questions, we could react with a smile on our faces by replying that the term « asshole » is also part of the common vocabulary, which does not forc us to use it!
Without entering into a philosophical debate about the validity of the use of « but », whose outcome is uncertain, how could we react?
There is a simple and effective technique that I recommend: flipping the « but ». It consists in reversing the two parts of the sentence that lie on either side of the « but ». This is a type of reformulation that allows the conversation to be restarted.
Examples :
- It’s a very good idea, but it won’t work here!
- So you think it won’t work here, but it’s a very good idea?
Or:
- What a beautiful project but no one will accept it!
- So you think no one will accept it, but it’s a great project?
Or even:
- You did a very good job, but you could do better!
- So I could do better but I did a very good job?
This technique helps to soften the tragic perception of the « but ».
That’s not all. We can go further in the process and increase our impact. To understand it, let’s put ourselves in the following situation: we are queuing up in front of the department’s copy machine. Three colleagues separate us from our objective. Suddenly, someone arrives and addresses the first person and asks: can you let me go first?
When teams of social psychologists carried out this experiment, they recorded a near-zero acceptance rate. They then created a second experimental configuration. This time the person addressing the first person in the line said: can you let me go first because I’m in a hurry?
In this case, the experimenters recorded a rate close to 30% acceptance. In order to test their hypotheses, the researchers finally developed a final scenario. The person who addresses the first person in line says: can you let me go first because I have to make copies? Surprisingly, the acceptance rate remained close to 30%. The specialists concluded that the « because » played an important role in the acceptance process.
If we apply this tool to our examples, it leads to :
- It’s a very good idea, but it won’t work here!
- So you think it won’t work here, but it’s a very good idea? Because it would allow the team to increase its autonomy?
Or even:
- What a beautiful project but no one will accept it!
- So you think no one will accept it, but it’s a great project? Because it would enhance our department and improve its image in society?
Finally, we can take one last step in this three-steps process and add a question that calls on the creativity of the « Yes butter » interlocutor. Among the techniques to stimulate a speaker’s creativity, lies the question that begins with « how ». In a commercial process, for example, it is common, in the face of apparent indifference, to ask hypothetical questions:
How would you proceed if your computer broke down? How would you react if this expert went to the competition? How would you deal with a shortage of product « x »?
Let us apply this to our examples and it gives:
- It’s a very good idea, but it won’t work here!
- So you think it won’t work here, but it’s a very good idea? Because it would allow the team to increase its autonomy? How can we implement it?
Or even:
- What a beautiful project but no one will accept it!
- So you think no one will accept it, but it’s a great project? Because it would enhance our department and improve its image in society? How to convince our interlocutors?
So I think we have better things to do than to react emotionally to these individuals who seem to have an inexhaustible number of reasons why projects fail, ideas are rejected and even their responsibilities are not engaged.
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